GI Joe

These things are too funny.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/gijoe-firealarm.html

Mr. Fox and Rabbit - The War

"There was a time when I would have given my life to feel the pain of fire," said Mr. Fox, staring straight ahead. "It wasn't that long ago."
Rabbit nodded. "I remember. Damn funny you looked, all singed."
"Now... now it's different."
"I have this piece of wood," said Dr. Bear in a rumbling, confused voice. "I cut it from a long piece and now it's short. It's shorter..." he trailed off.
"Where... where exactly are we?" said Mr. Fox, looking around with barely disguised curiosity.
"We are floating," said Rabbit, his ears perfectly horizontal and trembling.
"I don't like to float," said Dr. Bear. "I don't understand it."
Rabbit slapped Dr. Bear on the back. He grinned outward, at you.
"You don't understand it either." It wasn't a question.
"Deep in the well, where the space is endless," began Mr. Fox.
"That has a familiar ring to it," whispered Rabbit.
"Roaring arcs of blue flame erupt from my shoulders, endless bursts, explosions," said Mr. Fox. As he said each word it became thus.
"flickers of supernovas, blazing ruptures through the whirlwind of silver feathers
glowing incandescent white,"
Rabbit shielded his eyes with a furry paw. He squinted at the blazing canine (he determined to look up foxes on the internet - are foxes canines?).
"Blinding azure arcs erupt with each heartbeat, shoulderblade swords,
flicker blasts through the cloud of silver feathers.
They turn white hot and sink into those arcs,
Painful splinter gifts from God."
"You just had to bring God up, didn't you," said Rabbit, definitely resentful. "Why?"
Slowly, the silver feathers faded and they slowed their blazing dance. One by one, they fell away into oblivion. As they dropped away the light died with them.
"It's not that the feathers are falling," said Mr. Fox. "It's that they are falling faster than we are."
"We are falling?"
"Or floating. It's all relative."

Snow

It's snowing.
I'm watching Tom and Jerry.
It's snowing very heavily.
I had yoghurt, cheese and bread for breakfast.
I think I will make some coffee and immerse myself in this bloody translation.
Although I sort of just want to read The Magician. I won't though. I'm a good boy.

Xmass

I got some books, some theater tickets, a concert ticket, a beautiful oak toilet seat with brass fittings, some woven baskets and a Beethoven CD. I also got a coffee maker I do not need...

Csilla (TWPGF) gave me the best presents, namely two Somerset Maugham books (including The Magician, something I always wanted to read - I mean, I used to own the Aleister Crowley tarot cards) and the Beethoven cd.

I gave Csilla a cardigan. A really nice one. She picked it out. This is entirely unlike me - I usually pick stuff but my resources were limited and she is picky enough for me to be too nervous about relying on my own judgment.

Usually I really rake in a rich haul but this Christmas was somewhat lacking. It's different when you live with the family, the novelty isn't there anymore - you get stuff all the time, it doesn't pile up all year until you get there for Christmas.

All my stuff has been shoved in a storage unit. It wasn't donated to Goodwill. Hopefully it will be shipped here sometime in the spring.

I got my signature advance for my first book! It's in British Pounds! I guess I will have to find a bank. It's drawn on Barclays - there is no Barclays in Budapest... I suppose I will deposit it straight up, although this sort of thing sure takes time when it's in a foreign currency. No matter.

The Travel Channel turns into Hustler TV at 11PM every night. Unfortunately, I don't have the Travel Channel. Everyone else seems to. Bastards.

In light of the relatively light Christmas haul I gifted myself with a TV. Let me tell you, I've tried to be an uppity writer intellectual snob for a few months - but without a TV I am entirely computer reliant for my entertainment and computers are too bloody interactive. I waste hours on end surfing the web and looking at people's blogs. I check other people's blogs every 23 seconds out of sheer boredom - it's just a psychotic thing.

I am supposed to be doing translation work right now but I'm bored...

The new TV looks really cool, BTW. It has a blue light in the bottom right corner. Very cool!

I bought my niece this magnetic Mr. Potato Head thing where you can attach different body parts to the basic potato head design... I was drawn to it at the toy store. As I stood in line (extending all the way to Luxembourg) I noticed a terrifying line of toys. They were fat baby dolls (which would have been okay) dressed like whores (which was somehow wrong) and they were called Trendy Friend. I am not kidding you, the fuckin' things were called Trendy Friend. Chubby dolls for 3 year olds dressed like underage Hentai hookers.

I am a big fan of Hentai, by the way, but these dolls were just WRONG.

BBC World is talking about Pope Benedict. I am waiting for him to call for a crusade against the infidels in a thick German accent. That would be cool.

Supposedly Benedict developed a reputation as 'the listening Pope'. Shit. I can do that. Pope Pig, the Listening Pig. Now gimme that golden chalice and mapquest directions to the nearest pawnshop, Cardinal Beeboppp.

Jesus. Some absurdly well dressed fool is doing the weather for BBC world. That is one wicked cool green suit with a pale grey silk tie. Naturally, some godforsaken Brit.

Tic Toc Toe

I was listening to Wagner and drinking beer. It was a surreal scene, really. No, it was just a surreal scene. The ‘really’ is superfluous.

Tic
Toc
Tic Toc
Tic Toc Toe.

It’s dangerous, living like this.
Floating.

I write sentences and delete them because even though they are honest and informative they were written to gather sympathy or adulation.

I am really curious if any single person who reads this will have any idea what I taste like.

I crave magic.

Asharru

In 1994 I was walking around Charlottesville and I went into this little shop that sold cheesy commercial trinkets (Thomas Jefferson pens, postcards, crystal pendants, magic amulets made in China) and I picked up this circular amulet with an interesting design on it.

I put it on.

Freaky shit started to occur on a regular basis thereafter. Example: the amulet BURNED. It burned because it fell on top of a plugged in powerchord, the one millimeter gap between the socket and the plug itself, and shorted out the electricity for a 20 block radius.

There were spirits and what not.

I found the design, eventually, in a book. Here are the two relevant passages:

MARDUK was chosen of the Elders to fight KUR and wrest power from the Great Sleeping Serpent who dwells beneath the Mountains of the Scorpion. MARDUK was given a weapon, and a Sign, and Fifty Powers were given to him to fight the awful TIAMAT, and each Power has its weapon and its Sign and these are the mightiest possessions of the Elder Gods against the Ancient One who threatens Without, who threatens from the Abyss, the Lord of Darkness, the Master of CHAOS, the Unborn, the Uncreated, who still wishes ill upon the Race of Men, and upon the Elder Gods who reside in the Stars.

The 48th Seal of Marduk:

The Forty-Eighth Name is ASHARRU
Knower of the Treacherous Ways. Gives intelligence of the Future and also of things Past. Put the Gods in their courses, and determined their cycles. His Word is BAXTANDABAL and this is his Seal:

what is that word...

when you kind of make this sound with your tongue and the roof of your mouth; it kind of sounds like a C sound and it is used in conversation to denote concern; it is sort of 'tsk, tsk' but there is a better word for it and I cannot remember it at all.

What is it?

Help me!

Dump

Just got word that the family that has been storing all my stuff in the states decided it was time to SELL IT TO GOODWILL.

I am beyond upset - profoundly sad is closer to it.

I cannot even call them. It is six hours ahead here. I will have to call them Christmas Eve, my time, make my holiday even more memorable.

Staging Base and Bunker

I live here... This is the view from high above on a cloudless day.

The other picture is the view from my Tower on a hazy day. I do not like hazy days; it diminishes the speed of the harvest.

Twisted Ideas

Not that I ever have any... So how about this one:

Hot Vietnamese chick seduces vegetarian chef into cooking dog for her.

I found the perfect picture of said temptress and the picture of the meal as well (also recipes, but I don't want to freak anyone out).

For my homeyz

For everyone in the Troglodyte Kingdom of Document Review.

Tragedy

I turned over on my bed and my elbow hit something but I kept going anyway and there was this cracking sound...

I dreaded finding out the identity of this object - and the dread was justified. I broke my Aqua Teen Hunger Force Volume Two Disk Two into three pieces. The one with the Cybernetic Christmas Ghost from the Future episode.

I cannot get this DVD here. ATHF is not sold in this country, at least I have not been able to find it. In addition, if I spent money on ATHF, it was going to be for season 3.

I am still fighting Writer's Block (although I managed about 1000 words this morning); actually, who the hell FIGHTS writer's block? Writer's block is just an euphemism for lack of discipline and laziness. I know this because when I FORCED myself to write 2000 words a day I could actually do it.

I know what I will do... I will go downstairs and buy BEER. That should solve my problems. Beer! I am also tempted to buy the new George Martin book (a something something crows). Yeah... A fantasy novel and beer... Yum... Doesn't smack of escapism, does it?

My publisher said YES to the lesbian story. So I have some filth to write as soon as I finish this current project. Let's hear it for the filth!

My lightsaber is not coming after all. Prices for the bloody shipping container have gone through the roof (due to US foreign policy impacting oil prices) and nobody is shipping stuff back here. I AM IRATE. I NEEDED MY LIGHTSABER.

Writer's Block

I'm sort of having writer's block.

The story is finished, except for the sorority scene, and I am too bored to go back through it and rewrite it like I should.

I know the ending is overdone and I should permit the reader to make up their own mind... I don't know. I am just musing here.

I suppose I am sort of dreading the moment when the thing gets all done. I will have to send it out to agents and publishers and what not and I will once again be exposed to the cold waves of potential rejection. I hate rejection...

I will also have to come up with something else to write about. Witches on the metro? I think that has potential. I could just write more erotica, of course... I sort of promised to write a lesbian story... Once again I'm just morosely mumbling. Mumbling mumbling mumbling.

Took three panes of wood and tried to make a new frame for my bed... I am an impatient carpenter and the results are wobbly. It feels like I am on board a swaying ship. I dread the crashing sound, by the way, the one that is transformed into some armageddonish scene in your dream, and then the whole thing collapses and the downstairs neighbor comes up and makes a scene. That sound.

Request

Hi ya'all!

I need some info. I will change the precise distinguishing marks-colors-letters-names, naturally, when I put a vastly exaggerated, horrifying version of your story in my new book:

I need a description of a sorority ritual - pledging, rushing, any ritual, really... I know very little about the mechanics of it. Also any good backstabbing sorority stories.
I could pretty much use anything that would accurately reflect the atmosphere within an uppity, evil sorority. I am NOT looking for erotica involving sorority sisters (unless it is ritualistic AND true, in which case, by all means, send).

Thank you!

My Balls

The rumors that this is actually a Hubble photo of the exploding star Eta Carinae are utterly unfounded.

My Castle

Ok, so it's not my castle, it's just the castle I'd like to have. Not exactly, mind you; ideally the castle would have a moat and bright blue tiles on the tower roofs. Also a stable for winged horses. Other than that it's perfect!
http://www.sothebysrealty.com/PropertyDetails.aspx?R=101041896&No=17&N=12+4294967266&Ns=P_ShowcaseFlag%7C1&PSeq=10

BTW: I love Google Earth!

My Car

Ok, so it's not my car, it's just the car that I want. Pretty much exactly.

My Bed

Okay, so it's not my bed. It's just the bed that I want. Not EXACTLY, mind you. I want a sturdier headboard with a couple of massive wooden bars. Otherwise, this is it.

Sorority Initiations

I googled Sorority Initiations thinking I might find stuff on, you know, sorority initiations.

All I found was PORN!

Now, if I was LOOKING FOR porn, that would be okay - but I actually need this information. The only book I have been able to find on this topic is Alexandra Robbins' book titled "Pledged - something something secret something sororities" which would be fine but it has not been published in Europe at all.

Incidentally, Alexandra Robbins is an aboslute fox.

Just whining.

God damn

I am having a really shitty day.
Blah blah blah blah blah flippant BS blah blah blah, I'm so goddamn funny.

I saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fuc%ing fire. Blah blah blah blah blah. You've heard it all already. There was no lesbian scene between Hermione and the French chick and I am disappointed, although with good graphics software nothing is impossible.

Someone please TELL me that my father didn't rent out grandma's apartment to three callgirls. Because I would really like to believe this. Unfortunately, he did. What was he thinking??? And no, they didn't seduce him. He is not seducable. The very concept makes me unwell.
The hookers broke grandma's cuckoo clock and I am pretty much going to kill them unless it gets repaired, pronto. I am just waiting for my lightsaber to get here from the States, then I am going down there real vengeful like. And no, when it comes to that clock, I am not seducible either.

My apartment is now full of frigging furniture that my sister wanted to get rid of ... okay, so now I have a bed. I am grateful. But... I still don't have shelves or a closet and my clothes are still inside two suitcases. This apartment is either incredibly hot or incredibly cold. There are other problems with it as well, albeit everything is repairable.

Jesus mother of Joseph of Arametia.

Couple of smidgeons of positiveness: Second book is nearly done. I just have to write another 20000 words or so, edit it and cut it up into chapters. Yes, I write everything in one shot. Advance for first book should be in the mail already, and I am already planning a short story for the same publisher (it's an open tender for all their existing authors).

I am not taking xanax and that's kind of odd because I had some FUNKY dreams last night. Good god! I was flying about, seeing 200 lane highways with millions of cars below me over a silver sea. Most of the cars were red. There were other things as well, but too odd to remember.