Mr. Fox and Rabbit - Part 22

“How do we find her?”
“Like I said, she has exceptionally long cilia,” Mr. Fox furrowed his nonexistent eyebrows. “What we need here is an electron microscope.”
“I can go back to the 7 Eleven…”
“I don’t think they have any for sale.”
Dr. Bear lowered his eyes in shame. “Sorry…”
“We need to find a research lab.”
“Oh.”
“How?”
“We will consult the Sorceress.”
“This has an ominously quest-like flavor to it.”
“Doesn’t it?”
They drove night and day towards the demesne of the Sorceress. At dusk of the first day, Rabbit pulled the Suzuki Samurai over to the side of the road and hid it behind a decrepit shed.
Mr. Fox walked over to the shed and whispered in its ear, while waving about a Twinkie. “I am Mr. Fox, Decepticon Operative 521e42. We are on a secret mission for Megatron. Hide us for the night and I shall leave you this energon bar.”
The shed said nothing.
“We should be okay here for the night,” said Mr. Fox loudly.
In the morning, they set out. The yellow Twinkie shone in the sun where they left it next to the shed.
At dusk of the second day, Rabbit pulled the Suzuki Samurai over to the side of the road and hid it behind a decrepit nuclear accelerator.
Dr. Bear walked over to the nuclear accelerator and whispered in its ear, while waving about a Twinkie.
“I am Dr. Bear. I like Twinkies. They are tasty.” He grinned at his companions.
“You think that was enough?” asked Rabbit.
“Well, he has not been blown to his component subatomic particles for cheek.”
In the morning, they set out.
At dusk of the third day, Rabbit pulled the Suzuki Samurai over to the side of the road and hid it behind a decrepit Lady Rabbit in Heat.
Rabbit whipped it out and got his groove on. Mr. Fox and Dr. Bear just sat there until dawn, nervously looking out for cops.
“Are we at the Sorceress’ place yet?” asked Dr. Bear nervously.
“Demesne, Dr. Bear. You want to say Demesne.”
Rabbit’s ears revolved clockwise until he caught the right scent. “I smell … CHEESE. We must be close. Prepare yourselves.”
The Sorceress’ Demesne was constructed of Cheese. Four gigantic, microwaveable burritos absorbed any delicious cheese that had melted off the battlements, and otherwise acted as castle towers. Numerous dogs ran around the place, wearing tutus and other drag. Our brave band was forced to come to a stop at the moat.
“Holy shit, is that what I think it is?” said Rabbit.
“What?”
“That moat… I think it’s filled with beer.”
“I shall sacrifice myself … for all of us.” Dr. Bear dove into the moat. For the next three days all they could hear was the slurping and drinking.
“Uhm, well, I am not sure how to say this, Dr. Bear, but now we are faced with a river of piss. It’s a lot more disagreeable obstacle than the moat of beer.”
“Yeah. It’s also bear piss. Foul stuff.”
They stood by the part of the moat that adjoined the gate tower. Suddenly, the barbican was raised up into the block of havarti that formed the stout foundation of this part of the castle. A homeless man marched over to the Suzuki Samurai and began to clean the windshield with an astonishingly filthy rag. “What’ you want wif my lady love?” asked the bum.
“We have come to seek her aid in a matter of life and death,” began Mr. Fox, but Dr. Bear gently pushed him aside. “Bring her and thou shalst have a Dollar!”
The bum scurried off immediately, leaving them to wallow in the scent of 523423 gallons of beer induced bear piss. “Well, it could be worse,” said Rabbit. “In a way, we have improved the defenses of this castle.”
“Yeees – vast improvement. I couldn’t have thought of a better addition to my castle. A piss moat!” exclaimed an attractive ostrich with exceptionally long legs. She rolled her eyes for emphasis.
“You … you are the Sorceress?”
“Obviously the brains of the outfit… I did say MY castle, or is your hearing impaired? With those long floppy ears, that would be unlikely.”
Mr. Fox collected himself. “We have come to beseech your aid, almighty Sorceress. We seek an electron microscope.”
Mr. Fox raised Rabbit’s right ear and softly whispered in it while the small lupine conducted the delicate negotiations with the eldritch creature before them.
“How do you know she has magical powers? Ask her something only she would know.”
“Uhm… Okay. Something completely random. Let’s see now.” Rabbit pursed his lips.
Dr. Bear shrugged and said, “In FileMaker Pro 4.0, I would like to print out the names of all my layouts. I use many different ones and would like to print them out so I can notate when I use them in case someone else has to do my job. I cannot find any way to do this on my own.”
Dr. Bear, Mr. Fox, and Rabbit all swiveled their heads to gaze upon the eldritch Sorceress. With baited breath they awaited her answer.The ostrich rolled her eyes and raised an extremely long leg, tucking it behind her left wing. “OBVIOUSLY, you can use the LayoutNames design function in a calculation in order to get it... Every ass with a smidgeon of sense knows this.”
Dr. Bear intoned in revenant tones, “She is the ONE!”