Hmmmm.
I am going to write this thing out of me because it is necessary. None of it will be funny. My thought processes are rather slow because I popped some xanax. Quite a bit of it, in fact. Not enough to warrant panic, I think, just enough to permit me to function with a semblance of rational thought.
I did not get into the New School. They finally got their act together and re-sent my rejection letter. I don't blame them. 8 months ago I was a hack. Too much grandstanding and shimmering stars.
This leaves me in a strange place, thinking.
There were two reasons I was drawn back to America. One of them was attending The New School. The other was OOYMFETAI. I know. I know. TWP is stupid.
Both are gone. Both are gone, off the table. My friends seem to have faded away. Most of them, anyway. My ex still sends me letters burning with longing for me. Carefully disguised, friendly loveletters. I would have to deal with that if I went back.
So, in summary, I am faced with a choice: Going back to America, temping in some basement to make money to make ends meet while I reapply to the new school and struggle to find enough time to write another book, all in the meantime smiling through gritted teeth as I cope with OOYMFETAI's relationship.
or I can stay here, attempt to heal fully, and write another book or two, surrounded by family and hot chicks.
This would be no contest if I could make decent money here and I still would not have feelings for OOYMFETAI. Thus far, I am netting 1100 dollars a month. Not enough. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I can't get HER out of my head.
I cannot write like I used to because my laptop (a dell inspiron 8500) has a broken thingie in it (the voltage regulator, the thing right where you plug it in inside the machine). This is not helping me. Not helping me that I lack my main therapuetic outlet. If anyone reading this can get me that part (one of those fake motherboard integrated things) I would be eternally grateful. I already found a technician to install it.
I am starting a steady treatment of shots into my spinal cord to reduce inflammation, conceivable caused by BRAIN CANCER. On the 26th I am going to a spine facility on the 26th, so I will be off the web for a few weeks.
Jesus I am getting sleepy.
Of course, none of this has any relevance at all if I still have living tumor cells. I do not fear death. I fear becoming a drooling vegetable.
I think I am going to take a nap.
I did not get into the New School. They finally got their act together and re-sent my rejection letter. I don't blame them. 8 months ago I was a hack. Too much grandstanding and shimmering stars.
This leaves me in a strange place, thinking.
There were two reasons I was drawn back to America. One of them was attending The New School. The other was OOYMFETAI. I know. I know. TWP is stupid.
Both are gone. Both are gone, off the table. My friends seem to have faded away. Most of them, anyway. My ex still sends me letters burning with longing for me. Carefully disguised, friendly loveletters. I would have to deal with that if I went back.
So, in summary, I am faced with a choice: Going back to America, temping in some basement to make money to make ends meet while I reapply to the new school and struggle to find enough time to write another book, all in the meantime smiling through gritted teeth as I cope with OOYMFETAI's relationship.
or I can stay here, attempt to heal fully, and write another book or two, surrounded by family and hot chicks.
This would be no contest if I could make decent money here and I still would not have feelings for OOYMFETAI. Thus far, I am netting 1100 dollars a month. Not enough. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I can't get HER out of my head.
I cannot write like I used to because my laptop (a dell inspiron 8500) has a broken thingie in it (the voltage regulator, the thing right where you plug it in inside the machine). This is not helping me. Not helping me that I lack my main therapuetic outlet. If anyone reading this can get me that part (one of those fake motherboard integrated things) I would be eternally grateful. I already found a technician to install it.
I am starting a steady treatment of shots into my spinal cord to reduce inflammation, conceivable caused by BRAIN CANCER. On the 26th I am going to a spine facility on the 26th, so I will be off the web for a few weeks.
Jesus I am getting sleepy.
Of course, none of this has any relevance at all if I still have living tumor cells. I do not fear death. I fear becoming a drooling vegetable.
I think I am going to take a nap.
posted by Balázsy András at 4:32 PM
1 Comments:
Yes, take a nap. I'm sorry everything is confused at this point. Perhaps it will be clearer after a good sleep. Please keep us posted on the medical side. I will stick blessings on a voodoo doll for you.
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