Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire a'la The Winged Pig
“Oh come on, Cedric, we are all alone inside this maze… Nobody ever has to know.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Potter? I am not gay!”
“I told you about the dragons, Cedric. Can I at least touch your …wand?”
“NO.”
“Accio pants!”
“Jesus Harry. Now I am naked.”
“It wasn’t me. It was VOLDEMORT.”
“I saw you chant! You waved your wand at me! You are holding my pants and SNIFFING THEM!”
“Wow Cedric. It’s like you have two wands.”
“Please Harry, return my pants.”
“Oh, you like to beg, don’t you…”
“NO, I do not like to beg. I just want to put my pants back on.”
“When I touch this cup, it will all be over and the whole school will be staring at you naked, my little Hufflepuff studmuffin.”
“My pants, please. Accio Pants!”
Harry contemptuously raised his wand and deflected the distressed Hufflepuff seeker’s summoning charm. “Protego!”
“COME ON, Harry. Pants!”
“Accio Shirt!”
“For fuck’s sake! I am so going to kick your ass!”
“You are one of Voldemort’s men, then…” Harry muttered darkly.
“Are you mad? I just don’t want to get raped…”
“Silencio!”
Cedric’s eyes bulged with distress as his voice cut off in mid-sentence. Whatever he began to say was something with the tinge of desperation evident in each syllable.
Harry grinned. “We will touch the cup together, my little Hufflepuff. Don’t you want to touch the cup with me?” crooned the Boy Who Lived. “Oh – I forgot.” Harry waved his wand and restored Cedric’s voice.
Cedric’s voice stumbled free of his throat as the spell lifted. “…and I will tell EVERYONE…” Cedric croaked with obvious relief and wiped the sweat from his forehead.
“That would be obvious pro-Voldemort propaganda, my little Death Eater.”
“I am not a Death Eater!”
“Prove it… Touch this cup. Come on… Come closer and touch this cup.”
“That would make me the winner! Why do you want me to touch this cup? You are already standing next to it!”
“Oh come on Cedric… I know you want to be the Champion… It will make you feel so good… Just touch this cup.”
“Huh?”
“I owe you for the help you gave me with that egg… I went to your bathroom, you know, and bathed in your bathtub… all alone… for hours… thinking about you… Touching that golden egg…”
“You are making me sick, Harry.”
“Well, I am not touching it alone. I am willing to wait here ALL NIGHT if necessary.”
“What about LeFleur and Krum?”
“Oh… I had Moody stun them so we could have some little privacy.”
“WHAT?”
“Professor Moody knows about LOVE, Cedric.”
“Are you completely INSANE?”
Harry smiled, manic encouragement blazing from his lips. “Touch the cup and this whole scene will just go away…”
“I will touch the cup if you give me my pants and shirt…”
“Sure Cedric. Whatever you want. Wingardium Leviosa!” The shirt and pants floated back to Cedric who hastily put them back on.
Cedric tentatively extended a hand towards the cup. Harry grabbed his hand and pressed it against the cup, grinning like a maniac, his eyeglasses completely fogged up.
The world suddenly began to shrink as the cup sucked them both inward in a howling whirlwind of color and movement.
When Cedric’s eyes cleared, he realized they were no longer in the maze. In front of him was a gigantic four poster bed with pink satin sheets, dimly lit by a series of lava lamps hanging from the ceiling on bronze chains. A bucket of ice with a champagne bottle sticking out of it stood next to a bowl of strawberries. The windowless, doorless chamber’s walls were covered with paintings depicting the headmasters of Hogwarts – naked, wantonly displaying various sundry latex and leather accessories.
“Welcome to the Chamber of Secrets, Cedric.” cooed Harry.
“Harry… Please, Harry, this is not funny anymore.”
“Don’t worry… We will foil this plot of Voldemort’s together.”
“What are you talking about?”
Harry pointed at an inflatable doll keeping company to an inflatable snake in the corner of the chamber. “Let me introduce you to Lord Voldemort!”
Aghast, Cedric backed himself to the opposite corner, keeping his wand before him. “You stay away from me, Harry.”
“Expelliarmus!”
Cedric’s wand flew out of suddenly numbed fingers.
“Don’t worry, my little Hufflepuff, I won’t disarm you from your other wand…”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Potter? I am not gay!”
“I told you about the dragons, Cedric. Can I at least touch your …wand?”
“NO.”
“Accio pants!”
“Jesus Harry. Now I am naked.”
“It wasn’t me. It was VOLDEMORT.”
“I saw you chant! You waved your wand at me! You are holding my pants and SNIFFING THEM!”
“Wow Cedric. It’s like you have two wands.”
“Please Harry, return my pants.”
“Oh, you like to beg, don’t you…”
“NO, I do not like to beg. I just want to put my pants back on.”
“When I touch this cup, it will all be over and the whole school will be staring at you naked, my little Hufflepuff studmuffin.”
“My pants, please. Accio Pants!”
Harry contemptuously raised his wand and deflected the distressed Hufflepuff seeker’s summoning charm. “Protego!”
“COME ON, Harry. Pants!”
“Accio Shirt!”
“For fuck’s sake! I am so going to kick your ass!”
“You are one of Voldemort’s men, then…” Harry muttered darkly.
“Are you mad? I just don’t want to get raped…”
“Silencio!”
Cedric’s eyes bulged with distress as his voice cut off in mid-sentence. Whatever he began to say was something with the tinge of desperation evident in each syllable.
Harry grinned. “We will touch the cup together, my little Hufflepuff. Don’t you want to touch the cup with me?” crooned the Boy Who Lived. “Oh – I forgot.” Harry waved his wand and restored Cedric’s voice.
Cedric’s voice stumbled free of his throat as the spell lifted. “…and I will tell EVERYONE…” Cedric croaked with obvious relief and wiped the sweat from his forehead.
“That would be obvious pro-Voldemort propaganda, my little Death Eater.”
“I am not a Death Eater!”
“Prove it… Touch this cup. Come on… Come closer and touch this cup.”
“That would make me the winner! Why do you want me to touch this cup? You are already standing next to it!”
“Oh come on Cedric… I know you want to be the Champion… It will make you feel so good… Just touch this cup.”
“Huh?”
“I owe you for the help you gave me with that egg… I went to your bathroom, you know, and bathed in your bathtub… all alone… for hours… thinking about you… Touching that golden egg…”
“You are making me sick, Harry.”
“Well, I am not touching it alone. I am willing to wait here ALL NIGHT if necessary.”
“What about LeFleur and Krum?”
“Oh… I had Moody stun them so we could have some little privacy.”
“WHAT?”
“Professor Moody knows about LOVE, Cedric.”
“Are you completely INSANE?”
Harry smiled, manic encouragement blazing from his lips. “Touch the cup and this whole scene will just go away…”
“I will touch the cup if you give me my pants and shirt…”
“Sure Cedric. Whatever you want. Wingardium Leviosa!” The shirt and pants floated back to Cedric who hastily put them back on.
Cedric tentatively extended a hand towards the cup. Harry grabbed his hand and pressed it against the cup, grinning like a maniac, his eyeglasses completely fogged up.
The world suddenly began to shrink as the cup sucked them both inward in a howling whirlwind of color and movement.
When Cedric’s eyes cleared, he realized they were no longer in the maze. In front of him was a gigantic four poster bed with pink satin sheets, dimly lit by a series of lava lamps hanging from the ceiling on bronze chains. A bucket of ice with a champagne bottle sticking out of it stood next to a bowl of strawberries. The windowless, doorless chamber’s walls were covered with paintings depicting the headmasters of Hogwarts – naked, wantonly displaying various sundry latex and leather accessories.
“Welcome to the Chamber of Secrets, Cedric.” cooed Harry.
“Harry… Please, Harry, this is not funny anymore.”
“Don’t worry… We will foil this plot of Voldemort’s together.”
“What are you talking about?”
Harry pointed at an inflatable doll keeping company to an inflatable snake in the corner of the chamber. “Let me introduce you to Lord Voldemort!”
Aghast, Cedric backed himself to the opposite corner, keeping his wand before him. “You stay away from me, Harry.”
“Expelliarmus!”
Cedric’s wand flew out of suddenly numbed fingers.
“Don’t worry, my little Hufflepuff, I won’t disarm you from your other wand…”
posted by Balázsy András at 11:58 AM
11 Comments:
That was twisted and the funniest thing i've read in a long time. "Accio pants" hahahaha!!
you like the idea of gay pubescent boys, do you?
Actually, the only person who is gay in this gem is Harry. I suspect J K Rowling is waiting for the concluding chapter of book 7 to spring that on the unsuspecting world (Book 7, chapter 43: The Wedding between Harry and Ron). Just FYI, Sarc, I am so heterosexual I can write about gay pubescent boys and NOT be gay.
Digitalicat: I like your comment. It is insightful and informative.
Alex: Thank you. Would you like to sleep with me?
digitalicat expresses stunned silence, and you compliment him.
alex calls you twisted, and you hit on her.
i suggest that you like teenage boys, and you rant.
oh, okay, actually that's fair. never mind.
Thank you. Insightful and informative was exactly the effect I was going for.
Sarc, I have withdrawal. Where are your new posts? BTW, I will hit on you as well...
I had to work 12 hours yesterday. 12! Like, with actual work and everything. It was crazy.
Besides, nobody liked my lyrical collage, so I've given up hope in writing.
I like your lyrical collage... so perky and tight... delectable. Just a few lines, then, to fulfill my needs...
you've no idea what i'm on about, do you?
ah, so THAT was JK rowling's long lost first draft of the text!
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