Mr. Fox and Rabbit - Part 17

“Cheese is perishable.”
“Perishable.”
“Road trip?”
“Road trip!”
“What equipment do we need?”
“Well, we will take the Suzuki Samurai.”
“All right. What else do we need?”
“Well, there is no point in going on a roadtrip if we leave behind our fx lightsabers.”
“If you bring yours I will have to bring mine as well.”
“Of course. The whole point of fx lightsabers is the dueling. Having just one is like masturbation. Stop the excessive masturbation.”
Mr. Fox raised his paw and listed additional items, accentuating each with a peculiar, short stabbing motion. “Walking with Prehistoric Beasts, DVD.”
Rabbit nodded. “To go without Walking with Prehistoric Beasts for over an entire day is simply SUICIDAL.”
“The Sorting Hat.”
Dr. Bear blushed. “Ahhh…. Guys…”
“Yes. We must take the sorting hat. It is a great conversation piece!”
“Well, now that I reprogrammed it.”
“You reprogrammed the Sorting Hat?”
“Of course. Think about it. All the loyal chicks got sorted into Hufflepuff, all the bitchy ones into Slytherin, all the smart ones into Ravenclaw… the courageous ones became Gryffindor, of course…”
“Yes, so?”
“Well, the Hat had to do this on a curve, don’t you see?”
“I am not sure if I follow.”
“Well, take the population of all the girls in a class waiting to be sorted. Let us assume that it is made up of mallrat bimbos with a combined IQ of 20.
“That does not sound particularly plausible.”
“Well, it is also not plausible that every house would get exactly 25 percent of the students in a given class.”
“Ahhh… Guys…”
Mr. Fox furrowed his nonexistent eyebrows. “So, what you are saying is that the hat puts the MOST intelligent mallrat bimbos in Ravenclaw?”
Rabbit grinned maniacally. “NO. I wish it did, but it cannot do that, by definition.”
“What do you mean it cannot do that?”
“It evaluates each student, one at a time. It does not determine the curve of the entire class first by having it placed on the head of each student, and THEN declaring the affiliation of the students in alphabetical order. That would be BORING, no dramatic flair at all.”
“So… So how does it determine affiliation?”
“Well, I kind of figured that out. Let’s assume an entering class of 100 students. The first student in the class to be sorted sits down on that chair and they stick the hat on her. The hat actually evaluates the first person honestly. When it is finished, it puts him or her in a house. It is then faced with a problem. It has 24 slots remaining for that one house and 25 for each of the others. It keeps going. Let’s say the next 10 people are also of that house, for sake of argument, Slytherin. Once the full quota of Slytherins is met, the Hat CANNOT put anyone else into Slytherin, even if the new student is Lord Voldemort’s Evil Twin.”
Mr. Fox cackled evilly. “So what you are saying is that the Hat is just kind of making it up after the first few students.”
“Yes.”
“Well… there is also another problem you did not consider at all.”
“What’s that?”
“How does the hat know what the size of the incoming class is? If it is only, say, 20 people instead of a hundred…”
“Oh, I see where you are going with this. This is not a problem. The Hat lives in the headmaster’s office, it is privy to class size information.”
“Right. However, I reprogrammed it to meet my needs.”
“What are your needs?”
“The hot ones are going to Rabbit.”
Sedately staring at his tablecloth, Dr. Bear quietly muttered: “Guys… I am terribly sorry but … I ATE the hat.”
“The hot ones are going to Rabbit?”
Rabbit smiled fixedly and very slowly and purposefully turned to face Dr. Bear. “I am sorry… did you say something?”
“I did.” Mumbled Dr. Bear.
“You ATE the hat?”
“Yes.”