Personal Update

I will post an update on my fate…

So on Monday I am going to my neural surgeon and tell him that my neck is wrecked but that after strenuous internet research I came to share his dislike of surgery. If he fuses my vertebrae (all three that are totally screwed) I will become something like a rigid twig with some meat. Also the ones over and under the bad part will take on additional strain and they are ALMOST fucked.

So Reni (this ungodly hot girl, the one on the left of this picture from the Halloween party, who is devoted to her boyfriend, lucky bastard) recommended that I take this powerful concentrate of glucosamine and things… And I am also taking this green shell extract… and I am going to the acupuncture woman in a few weeks… And I am going to a massage therapist… and I am doing the mind control thing…. Although I should be doing more of that. So that’s the neck issue.

Oh yeah – I had several tests all of which were POSITIVE, showing tumor cells in the center of my head. Having said that, my brain surgeon simply told me that they are not NECESSARILY tumor cells, just BRAIN DAMAGE due to MASSIVE RADIATION. I am going to see him on Monday and he will schedule my biannual brain MRI, which is always fun.

I confess: I rather enjoy encountering whining old people with flimsy ailments. They shut up in a real hurry and look rather displeased that their diseases suck so bad compared to my cool deadly disease. Fuck you, old person! My disease makes yours look like a WALK IN THE FUCKING PARK.

I am going to London at the end of the month to meet my publisher and research my latest book that I should be writing right now if I wasn’t such a lazy fuck.

I am going to Italy on a skiing trip in February, probably, because it’s a THRILL to ski with 3 herniated discs and a shunt. I mean that. One skies really well when falling means potential DEATH or PARALYSIS. But, you know, fuck it. I live but once (well, I only remember 1 life at a time) and I might as well make the most of it.

I am playing Fantasy Football, a 14 person league with 17 players on each team. I am going to bitch about fantasy football for a bit. Half the people don’t pay any attention, so they don’t plug in people when there is a bye, they have sleepers languishing on their bench, etc etc. Fantasy Football would be great if international disputes were settled that way. People would REALLY PAY ATTENTION. God I really want to drink a Coke. I am eating Nutella but that’s not a true Coke substitute.

I translate a lot… I had to type so much I got repetitive stress injury. And then I closed my window last night by pushing against the glass and OF COURSE I BREAK THROUGH THE FUCKING GLASS and there is blood and this enormous shattering sound outside my window (I live on the 2nd floor, about 5 meters off the ground) and I couldn’t tell if my hand was numb because it had severed nerves or because of the repetitive stress injury so I went out to a comedy club (THE Comedy Club, there is really only one in this city) where my friends stared at my hand and made baffled noises.

So the current plan of attack is to finish the new book, await the results of the brain and neck MRIs, date someone again (it’s been a long time) and enjoy each frigging second. And rink some coke.