Wine of a Feather

Well. This will be a long entry.

This will not be an entry about my US trip. The US trip was bittersweet.

This will be an entry about my trip to Villany and Kaposvar. H2C (Hottie Second Cousin) asked me to go with her and I said yes. Villany is a prime wine region; they make fantastic dry red wines, the blood of God. There were some problems.

H2C: I found a kitten on the side of the road. You are not allergic to cats, right?
TWP: I am violently allergic to cats. Might as well off me now.
H2C: Well, my parents won’t watch the cat, so it* has to come with us. I will put it in the trunk.
TWP: I don’t think that’s a good idea. It might die in the trunk. It’s cold. It’s also three weeks old.
H2C: I will put it in a bucket then and cover up the bucket with a rag. I will leave a hole so it can breath.
TWP: Splendid.

*Hungarian has no genders. The pronoun used is one that denotes living entities, so technically It is an incorrect translation. The proper pronoun would be a universal mix between she and he. One would think this linguistic oddity would lead to a society of supreme gender equality; one would be wrong.

Actual conversation between TWP and H2C. H2C is driving on a deserted forest road at 90 mph:

H2C: So do you think it’s a good sign that he sent me a text message?
TWP: I don’t actually know him. I suppose usually it is a good sign.
H2C: I want to send him a text message now. Shouldn’t I?
TWP: Uhm, you keep asking me if you should do stuff. Have some faith in yourself – if you feel like it, send it.
H2C: I just want your opinion.
TWP: I am giving it to you.
H2C: You think I should make him dinner and spoil him, so early in the relationship? Should I?
TWP: I think you already know the answer (desperately maintaining the façade of NOT rolling my eyes).
H2C: So should I make him just popcorn and some basic dish, like a veal cutlet? Shouldn’t I?
TWP: Look – if you are gonna make him dinner, make it good, a feast. Or not at all.
H2C: But you said I should not spoil him. Should I now?
TWP: …

Deer jumps out in front of car. H2C hits the brakes and manages to slow down to a paltry 60 mph before colliding with the beast. Car hits deer, rupturing deer’s gut and spilling blood and shit all over the windshield. We manage to stay on the road. Deer sort of runs into the ditch on adrenaline, trailing intestines, already dead.

We investigated the deer and inventoried the damage (fairly extensive – by divine grace, the car remained functional, albeit missing the left headlight and blinker. The bumper was sort of dragging on the ground).

H2C: Now what? Let’s look at the deer.
TWP: Let’s.
H2C: Oh God (shining flashlight on Bambi in ditch – guts, severed neck, dark stains on fur, glistening wildly, utterly motionless).
TWP: Well, it’s definitely dead. It must not have suffered at all.
H2C: It just jumped out onto the road. Didn’t it?
TWP: Yes. It definitely did. It wasn’t your fault.
H2C: Should I send a text message to A about the accident?
TWP: Only if you want him to come and help. That’s how guys think. Look, let me drive for a while, you are freaking out a little bit.
H2C: Oh no, I am fine.

100 kilometers later:

H2C: It just jumped out onto the road. Didn’t it?
TWP: It sure did. It wasn’t your fault.
H2C: Shouldn’t I send a text message to A?
TWP: When we get to the inn, send one then.
H2C: Can you drive for a little bit while I nurse the kitten?
TWP: Sure. No problem.

H2C sits in the back and retrieves the kitten from the bucket. She feeds it with a (not a syringe – the plastic thingie that has the vaccine in it when you get the shot. What the hell is that called?), using a mixture of milk and water. The kitten keeps mewing and in general looking like a little bird. Kitten pisses all over the back seat.

H2C: You sound a little tense. Don’t you?
TWP:
H2C: Hey. You sound a little tense. Don’t you?
TWP: Naw. I’m okay. Just a little tired.

We finally arrive at the Inn in picturesque Villany. The men stare at the front of the car and make manly comments. We are ushered inside where I am introduced to a mixed company of (1) happy alcoholic winery owner with big happy red nose (2) annoying girlfriend of H2C who insists on being the center of attention all the time (3) masseuse friend of H2C who is supposedly very hot but I failed to see it (3) a chef friend who looked a touch intimidated (4) a supernaturally thin black haired guy with great black bug eyes who was giving off incredibly weird vibes. I immediately pegged him for an axe murderer.

AXE MURDERER: Hi. I’m B. We will be rooming for the next two nights. The girls have room 1, P and C have room 2, we have room 5.
TWP (nodding with exuberant delight): Great!

AWO (Alcoholic Winery Owner): Drink some of this (pouring shots).
H2C (downs shot like it was sweet lemonade): That is great stuff!
TWP (downs shot like it was liquid lava): Tttthat ish great shtuff!
AWO: Now what should we start with? (puts 6 bottles on the table)

2 hours later:

AWO: Let’s go down to the cellar. There is a wine I have not named yet, we can taste it and try to come up with a name!
AG (Annoying Girlfriend): Yes! Let’s do it!
(Clustering around gigantic modern steel wine drum where the wine is ripening (or whatever the proper term is).
AG: It is definitely a woman. A hot blooded, Sicilian woman! It should be called … (I confess I forgot her suggestions. They were trite and eminently forgettable).
TWP: I think it is a man. I have an idea – Crimson Decay. It’s unusual but everyone will remember that name.
AG: That idea sucks. Nobody likes Decay! My idea is great. It is a woman. A hot blooded, Sicilian woman! Let’s vote on it. You! A man or a woman?
H2C (looking intimidated): Ugh… A woman? Is it a woman?
AG (gloating): You have been outvoted!

Next morning:
AXE MURDERER (intensely loud): Well! It’s already 6:45! The girls are already making breakfast! We should get up and join them!
TWP: I will. Later. You go on.
AXE MURDERER: When did you go to sleep? I think I saw you watch TV!
TWP: I would like to sleep some more. Like, 10 more minutes. I don’t remember any TV.
AXE MURDERER: Well, the girls are already making breakfast!
TWP: 10 more minutes.
AXE MURDERER: Okay then. I guess I will see you downstairs then.
TWP: Yes. You will.

Bleary eyed I considered inducing vomiting. Decided against it. Realized I did not drink any – any – water last night. Just extremely dark and potent red wine.

TWP: I have a horrible headache.
AWO: On MY wine? My wine is pure!
TWP (cringing): The wine was great.
AWP: I guess you are not used to drinking.
TWP: Guess not.

The program for the day involved getting a brain MRI in Kaposvar, a 200 km trip from Villany. I was scheduled for 11AM – got there at 11:15AM – got in the MRI tube at 2:15PM. I have written about this MRI machine before. Yes – this is the machine where they MRI pigs for research.

There is nothing like a brain MRI while you have a hangover from hell. Nothing.

Withered Gnome Nurse (WGN): I will lead a line into your vein so we can add the contrast material during the MRI scan.
TWP: Ok, no problem. You guys seem to like the one in my left arm.
WGN: Yes, that one looks great! (sticks needle into arm – leads line – needle falls out of my arm, blood pours in thick, ropelike flows of dark red all over the floor and my jeans)
TWP: Ughm.
WGN: Oh, so sorry about your jeans (quickly attaching the rest of the line, blood tapers off)
TWP: I guess it will have to be washed. No biggie. (staring at gigantic pool of blood on the floor)
RANDOM PATIENT (staring at gigantic pool of blood on the floor, turning pale): Jesus Christ. What happened here?

MRI scans are so fucking LOUD. I was shaking and I had a headache and the bloody machine kept screaming in my ear and trying to shake my skull to pieces. Immediately afterwards, I had a conversation with H2C:

H2C: I am really pissed at you.
TWP: Excuse me?
H2C: We spent all this money and now we don’t even get to enjoy it.
TWP: I told you I had to do this and I told you it would take a couple of hours and you said it was okay.
H2C: I just want you to know I am not happy. Don’t you think I should not be happy about this?
TWP: …

Somehow we managed to be okay with this and went back to Villany. We missed harvest, of course. How we managed to drink a bit of wine that night is beyond me. I went to sleep early and woke up feeling relatively human.

Next Day, after breakfast:

H2C: Let’s visit the memorial for the Battle of Mohacs*!
TWP: Hmm. (wanting nothing more than to get home as soon as humanly possible) Okay.

*: Another glorious Hungarian defeat, characterized by stupidity and shortsighted leadership. Involved a cavalry charge against a line of cannons. The cannons won.

We drive to Mohacs and ask a local where the memorial is. The local does not know.

We keep driving around until we see a tiny village with a convenience store. Inside, we are informed that the battle is named the Battle of Mohacs but the actual battle took place at Satorhely 20 miles away which is where the memorial is. We drove back to Satorhely where we COULD NOT FIND THE MEMORIAL. We stopped by a memorial looking place but it was dedicated to World War II.

40 kilometers later:

H2C: So you think it is good if I serve him popcorn and veal? He likes veal! I don’t want to spoil him, you know. You think I should? How should I phrase the text message where I invite him to dinner?
TWP: Ughm.
H2C: We have to stop at a store and buy some milk for the kitten.
KITTEN: Miau. Miau. (Kitten climbs up H2C’s arm as she is driving 90 mph and proceeds to claw her neck continuously).
TWP: You should take the cat to the vet.
H2C: Of course!
(Car suddenly rolls to a stop)
H2C (staring at a field of verdant leafed root vegetables): What are THOSE?
TWP: Carrots?
H2C: Beets maybe? You think they are beets?
TWP: Could be either.
H2C: I want to take one home. You think I should?
TWP: If you want to take something home, you should take something home. Honest. No need to ask.
H2C (casually looking for crop to steal): I just want to know your opinion.

We move on after collecting some leaves and half a beet.

20 kilometers later:

H2C: Wait! (Car rolls to a stop) It’s a Raven!
We look at the unimaginably distant yet still somehow huge raven hopping around in the middle of the field.
KITTEN: Miau. Miau.
H2C: We could leave the kitten here, I bet the raven would like that. That was weird, wasn’t it?
TWP: Ughm.
We stay on the side of the road until the raven flies off.

2 kilometers later:

H2C: I want some grapes.
TWP: Ughm. Okay.
H2C steals some grapes and brings them into the car.
TWP: Do you think it has any pesticide on it?
H2C: Not right before harvest.

20 kilometers later:

Car rolls to a stop by a suspicious looking vegetable stand on the side of the road.
H2C: Wow! Have you ever seen pumpkins like this one?
TWP: No. Not really. I have seen bigger ones but never one that was aqua blue.
H2C: Neither have I! How much are these?
VILLAGE HAG: 80 forints per kilo.
H2C: Great! I will take BOTH! (turning to me) Do you think it will be cute if I ask A to carve pumpkins with me?
TWP: I think that would be cute.

20 kilometers later:

Car rolls to a stop by a cornfield.
H2C: I am going to get some corn so I can make a corncob doll for A. Don’t you think it will be cute if I make him a doll?
TWP: I think that would be cute.

She dropped me off at the train station and I went home and I am starting to recuperate. She asked me to hang out with her and A over the weekend but I told her it would be a good idea if they just spent some time with one another, so hopefully that is exactly what will happen. I really can’t think of a snappy conclusion to this entry, I will try to write more often now that I am back in Hungary. I will take requests.