Distract Yourself from Shadow of Death by Setting Self on Fire

Jesus H Christ on a popsicle stick.

Actual conversation between my mother's 60 year old girlfriend and yours truly (my mother is not a lesbian. I am referring to this woman as 'girlfriend' to denote familiarity and femaleness. Not that I have anything against lesbians - au contraire. Still, I like precision in my writing):

"What you need, what you need now, with your medical problems and all, is a distraction. You need to be distracted. You need to fall in love!"
(choking on water) "What?"
"You need to fall in love with some sexy girl!"
"Are you MAD?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you ever been in love?"

This woman... This woman was not on drugs. She was not even very drunk. What was she thinking? Seriously!